Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Wee Wednesday- Struggling

 The Botanical Knits e-book giveaway winner is..... Charlotte!! Congrats, Charlotte!! I find it pretty neat that  knitter from Paris, France won, since I was there so recently. Oh random number generator, you are funny.

 Lila eating an orange with her Grannie. She always has this sort of 'don't take my food, okay?' look on her face when she's eating.

I feel like I'm having a bit of a difficult slog lately. Feeling a little burnt out, more than a little run down. And I have hesitated to 'go public' on the blog, but we're all friends, right? Let's say that you came over to my place, and we're sitting in the living room having some tea or coffee. After we got a bit caught up, I'd curl my hands around my mug, and I'd tell you what's really on my mind.....

Before we went away on our trip, Lila was diagnosed as having a brain lesion, which I guess is only a partial diagnosis- they still have to figure out what sort of brain lesion it is, but I'm not aware of any 'good' brain lesions. It started out when she was about 5 months old and I noticed that she had a twitchy eye. I mentioned it to our GP, who referred us to a specialist, who referred us to a paediatric ophthalmology clinic, who referred us for an MRI.... which revealed a small brain lesion in the area of her brain that is likely causing the eye twitching. We have since been referred to the neurosurgery department of Sick Kids hospital here in Toronto. As Lila is still meeting all her development milestones, the doctors are adopting a 'wait and see' approach, which makes sense. She will have another MRI in 6 months, and they'll monitor it. Which is good news, really. Better than a lot of the alternatives.



I've got a few weeks left on my maternity leave (I have a full time day job, fellow knitters often seem surprised to know that), and then we'll be adjusting to Lila going to daycare that has a great baby care division. I think she's going to love it, she is always really happy when we go to playgroups and she has other babies to interact with.

And for some really good news- today is our wedding anniversary. Guy and I were married four years ago today.
 In Paris, last month.

Happy anniversary, Guy! It's so incredible to see what an amazing dad you are, it makes me fall in love with you all over again. Any challenges thrown our way are nothing compare to what we have. I'm the luckiest woman ever.

78 comments:

Debbie said...

Sorry to hear about your little girl. I can only imagine how stressful it must be. Our baby boy (who is due in a month) has several cerebral anomalies, but since the brain is so unpredictable, we also have to wait and see how this will translate in his life. Know that I feel for you, and I empathize with any parent's "agony" of just having to wait and see... It's tough for sure.

szyleczko said...

Sorry to hear that... I hope your little daughter is going to be fine... She's really adorable in all these photos!
What a pity I haven't won! Anyway, I shouldn't be too disappointed. After all, I've won a candy today and some wonderful hand-made jewellery in on its way :) One more thing, happy anniversary! :):):)

Morgan O said...

Very sorry to hear about your daughter. I'm thinking good thoughts about her.

Guru Nam said...

So sorry to hear the news. No wonder you feel a little down. I'm touched that you thought to share what's on you mind. Sending love and good wishes for the best outcome. You're a lovely family and I'm sure this love will sustain you all.

Phyllis said...

Our daughter who is now 28 and talented and beautiful and amazing began having seizures when she was just over one year old. We were told that we should be prepared for developmental challenges because of her meds but to this day we have seen none of that. She graduated from high school 2nd in her class and from university with honours. I am thankful for all of the fantastic physicians we have had over the years but ultimately they can only give maybes. I will be praying for Lila. She continues to be such a beauty and I am sure a delight. I always look forward to seeing her photos. Congratulations on your anniversary. My husband and I will be married 31 years this year and I can attest to the fact that it is wonderful to be in love with your husband.

Maryse said...

Happy wedding anniversary! I wish you continuing happiness! As for Lila, since she is doing very well now, let's all hope that there is nothing to worry about. It's good to follow up closely but chances are everything will be alright! Sending you good thoughts!

Sophia said...

I don't often comment, but I love your blog and I wanted to say congrats on your anniversary, but I am sorry to hear about lovely Lila. She is a gorgeous girl. I know you say that there are no "good" brain lesions, but I study the brain in a way (clinical linguistics), so I know that not all of them are completely bad either - especially for wee ones: their brains are so flexible that they can get around almost anything! Kia Kaha <3

Loulou said...

Oh Julie, this is heart breaking news. I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you, your husband and most precious little girl. My thoughts and love are with you.

Suzanne said...

Happy Anniversary! You have a beautiful family and I'm sorry that you now have this "worry" to handle. Lila is gorgeous and since she's meeting her growth milestones, and her Docs aren't all in a tizzy over this, please try to NOT worry too much. I know... how in the world can I say such a stupid thing, right? Take each day and be present in it. Love and enjoy each other because we never know what the next day will bring. As things happen, you will handle it. But above all, Live each moment. They grow up so fast. I just know that everything will be fine with you guys.

Brendaknits said...

Blessings on you and your family especially on this special day. Here's hoping that Lila overcomes and outgrows her 'lesion'.

juicyknits said...

Oh Julie, as a mother I so understand what you're going through. Hugs to you!

Kelly J. R. said...

I will pray for you and your daughter that everything will be okay. It's so hard not knowing answers.

lollyknits.com said...

Sending lots of support! I know it must be really stressful, but you have a special and precious baby girl. Give her a hug for me!

Silvia M. said...

Babies brains develop so quickly and they have such an amazing plasticity that it's very possible that the lesion they found may just fix itself. I understand the stress of having a little one with a health concern, it's always there... it's like a black cloud that will not go away. I'm so glad she's developing normally. (Hugs)
And Happy Anniversary!

Charlotte said...

I hope that your daughter will be better ! I cross my fingers !

Happy anniversary by the way :)

If you come again in Paris some day, tell me ^^

Janine said...

Please know that I am thinking very good thoughts for you and your family. Janine

nursenikkiknits said...

Happy Anniversary!

I know the waiting about Lila must be agony but you definitely have the right attitude. The best news is that she is so perfectly normal (with above average cuteness IMHO).

Thinking of you.

Kim said...

Sorry to hear the news about Lila…but at least glad to hear the situation is about as good as it can get, with her still hitting all her development milestones. Hope things continue to go as well as possible. I'm a little over halfway through my pregnancy with our first and can only begin to imagine how worried you must be at times...

And happy 4th anniversary--they say time flies when you're having fun! :)

RegencyKnitter said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Lila! My prayers are with you as I'm sure it's a very hard and stressful time right now. Congratulations on your anniversary!

eliza said...

it seems perfectly natural that at this time of transitions and worries that your knitting might be suffering. you and lila (and guy) are in my thoughts.

happy anniversary, you guys!

xo

Cassy said...

Sorry to hear about Lila. That is some rough stuff. I'm glad you have a fella that seems really loving and supportive to help you through this. Sending love and healing thoughts your way.

Congrats on your wedding anniversary.

Preeti said...

Happy anniversary! Your post must have been so hard to write and I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I hope Lila's next MRI is perfect with no lesion in sight.

Paula Bannon said...

Thank you for being brave and sharing your thoughts with us. My thoughts are with you (and Guy) as you go through this tough time. Happy Anniversary!

erin said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Lila =( it's really hard not to know any answers or what's going on! you'll all be in my thoughts!

Hilary said...

Oh my goodness Julie...even if (when!) everything turns out to be totally ok, that is SO SCARY for a parent to hear. It has to be a great sign that she's meeting all developmental milestones...but still, I can only imagine what you and G are going through. I'll be praying for Lila and for wisdom for her doctors.
And, happy anniversary!! You guys seem like such a wonderful couple!

Barbara said...

She's a treasure. Such a lovely, expressive face - which you capture so well.

Like all your readers, am keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.

Danette said...

Dearest Julie,
I will keep Little Miss Lila in my daily prayers ~ that's a promise. And you and Guy as well. My second daughter was born blind in one eye. We jumped through a lot of medical hoops with a new baby too. {She is 25 now}. I am so glad you chose to share this news. We ARE all friends here.
Happy Anniversary to you and your Guy!
With Love,
Danette

Lauraline said...

Big hugs to you and Lila, I sincerely hope everything turns out OK.

Jolene said...

While "wait and see" is good news, it's also really hard to hear as a parent. Hang in there, enjoy the rest of your maternity leave, and be gentle with yourself as you make the transition back to work. But most of all, add me to the list of people here (and beyond) wishing your family all the best!

christine m. said...

oh! It's always a dart straight to the heart when told our children may be vulnerable in some way. Best of luck.

Voie de Vie said...

Happy wonderful wedding anniversary to you both! And of course the news about little Lila is a dark cloud on an otherwise rather sunny picture. "Wait and see" is excruciating - it forces you to keep conflicting emotions in balance at all times. You will do it, no doubt. Find whatever you need to get through it, and then don't let that go. Whether it's information (medical and otherwise), good company, peace and quiet - whatever it is. And just know that all good thoughts are going your family's way.

Susan said...

Keeping your family in my prayers. It really does sound like Lila is doing well so that is fantastic.

Also - happy anniversary to you and Guy!

Mindy said...

Happy Anniversary!

My 4 year old daughter has an issue with her spinal cord. It doesn't cause any sort of health problems but it could cause huge problems, like paralysis, if it gets larger and goes unchecked. Because of that, she has had several MRIs and sees a neurosurgeon as well. Her neurosurgeon thinks that she'll be fine and all we'll have to do is be aware that it's there and aware of any symptoms. I hope that Lila's outcome is as simple as that.

Jennifer Sadler said...

Happy Anniversary! Such a sweet photo of you two!

I can't imagine how hard news like that would be for a parent to hear, sending heaps of e-hugs and good thoughts your way.

Heather said...

Thanks for sharing your news-and all your gorgeous photos of you and your family! Know that you are lucky to live close to Sick Kid's Hospital and I'm sure the doctors there will do their very best to help Lila.
Happy Anniversary...Enjoy!

travellersyarn said...

I think that you shared your worries in a very sensitive way. Sometimes it is hard to just talk about the knitting when there are really big other issues on your mind.

I've been down the pediatric opthalmologist, MRI route and have some practical experience (especially if you need to get into patching etc). We now have a healthy 10 year old! Drop me a line if you want.

Mari said...

Wishing all the best for your beautiful baby girl.

Anonymous said...

Keeping you and your beautiful daughter in my prayer!
My mother had breast cancer two years ago. It was ugly enough said. She cancer free and going strong. I just kept telling myself we'll get threw this...god never gives you more the you can handle!

Theresa

Kristen said...

Oh my dear darling girl, I am so sorry for your worries. I am glad that little Lila is no worse for this and hope that it amounts to nothing. I will put Lila and you at the top of my prayer list. Keep yourself healthy and Happy Anniversary too! I remember reading about your wedding, was it that long ago? and have shared your advice with many young brides-to-be. xoxo

sweezberg said...

I really enjoy reading your blog and your little Lila is almost the exact same age as my daughter, so I've really enjoyed reading all of your updates on her. We've also struggled with some health issues with our little one and whenever my husband and I reflect on the last 10 months we agree while it was never expected, we'd never change a thing about her. That doesn't mean it's easy and I've had to learn to ask for help, but as cliché as it sounds, her little smiles do make it all worth it. Happy Anniversary and good luck back at work!

Monica said...

As a mother I too would be freaked out, all we ever want is for our kids to be perfect, healthy! All will turn out well jn the end, i am sure. I wish you guys all the best. Good luck with your return from mat leave, it's a nut of an adjustment.

And happy anniversary!

Mikaela said...

So sad to hear about your little girl. I´m hoping everything will turn out ok, sending a big hug from cold Finland!

Pam said...

If I was there, and a close enough friend for that mug of tea, I'd give you a hug and kiss one of those gorgeous Lila cheeks. I pray all will be well. "Wait and see" is good news, but hard to do.

Take care of each other -- and congratulations on your anniversary.

Siren said...

Happy anniversary and I wish you and your small family all the best!
I just wanted to say I love your blogg and I read it every week :-)
You are very inspiring!
Our daughter was born with a heart disease and at first we were very much afraid of what was going to happen and how things would develope. As time went by we learned to live with her condition and it all has worked out very well. She is a wonderful person and although life didn't start out in the easiest of ways it has all turned out pretty darn perfect anyway :-) I hope I could give you some inspiration back now!

kessainstitches said...

Sorry to hear that... It is always difficult when loved ones have health issues. I'll keep little Lila in my prayers. And had it really been 4 years already?! Happy anniversary! :)

Jane said...

I am glad that Lila is doing so well, and has been happy and developing. Dealing with medical issues can be really scary, but I think even scarier when it's one's child. It's okay to be worried.

I wish all of you the best. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Lilian Sant Anna said...

Lila is adorable! Be sure that she will overcome this! Our brain is much more flexible than we think.
Happy anniversary. Love to you!

Phoe said...

Happy anniversary and I hope Lila continues to be a happy, healthy little girl. (Love the look on her face. MY FOOD!)

Winsome said...

Happy Anniversary, it's always good to have a strong foundation in these stressful times! I will keep sending positive energy your way for your daughter. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Julie, congrats on you anniversary! My thoughts are with you, I'm hoping that little, adorable Lila turns out OK and I'm sending you a lot of strength to get over the waiting time.
Susan

dclulu said...

Happy anniversary! And very sorry to hear about Lila. That sounds so scary. Good luck.

Carolyn Bloom said...

I love your blog, but have never commented before. But I had to reach out when I read about your beautiful baby girl. My kids - now 13 and 11 - each had their own health issues and it scared the bejeezus out of me. They're fine now, like nothing ever happened. I'm hoping for the same outcome for your sweet daughter. Best wishes to you as you muddle your way through...

Jessica @ A Humble Creation said...

I'm sorry to hear the news of your little Lila. As a mother of 3, I have been through my share of issues and have been where you are in the waiting phase with a health issue with my littlest guy (now 17 months). I hope and pray that all is well and that you will find comfort through this wait and see period. You have a beautiful daughter and God's provision is more than plentiful and I pray His peace on your family. I'm glad you have a safe place to share the good and the bad and receive some encouragement!

Anonymous said...

Gosh, I don't know what to say... But I believe if anyone you two can handle this, that is something that I would not wish for even for my enemy. And I hope that everything will go as great as possible for the gorgeous little Lila. I thoughts are with you. <3 Oh, and happy Anniversary! =)
Hattisto

duni said...

so sorry to hear you are stressed and burnt out, and with good reason. i will be thinking of you and your lovely family and wishing you all the best. thank you so much for opening up. i hope it felt better to get things off your chest. lots of deep breaths and mugs of tea and good friends and family. sending you internet knitter stranger hugs, but you know that's a good thing, right? ;)

Helen said...

Sending good thoughts your way. As long as Lila looks and acts her happy and healthy self, enjoy the moment. Easier said than done right? Stay strong and Happy Anniversary.

Nicole said...

Massive hug.

Isabelle said...

Oh Julie! I wish I could reach out from across the screen and give you a big hug. You and Lila and Guy will be in my thoughts!

Little Lila is adorable as always! Although I don't always have time to comment, I always enjoy reading about your beautiful family (and knitting, of course).

Amanda said...

Oh goodness - how scary! I'll be praying that everything is alright with your little girl!

margaux said...

Hi lady! I am sending you my love and thoughts! I can only imagine how stressful hearing the words "brain legion" can be! I'm so glad that she seems to be doing so well and wish nothing but the best outcome!

Also, happy anniversary!! :-) My hubs and I will be celebrating our 4th this April!! WOOT!

Emilie said...

Dear Julie, I am very sorry to hear about Lila, I will keep her in my thoughts and hope that everything will be okay. I am a radiology resident, and from experience, even if no brain tumor is "good", the bad ones are often agressive and grow rapidly, so the child has a lot of symptoms. If Lila has reached all her milestones and is developping normaly, it is very reassuring, and her lesion may be benign.
I send a lot of good thoughts you way!
Emilie

Ashley said...

Happy Belated Anniversary and I'm sending good thoughts for your sweet Lila. It is such a good thing that she is meeting milestones.
Thinking of you all

Lindsay said...

I'm sorry to hear about Lila. Not so long ago, at 6 months, my 18 month old was sent to the special pediatric ophthalmologist for a crossing eye and I was so worried and sad, too. It's so hard to be a parent, and we all just want our children to go through life without all the hardships, but it never seems to turn out that way. I hope that you find the strength to wait and see, and I know that Guy's and Lila's smiles help you through your difficult days.

Misiula said...

Julie, I wish you and your loved ones all the best. I'm really sorry about these health difficulties. I sincerely hope the problem is less serious than the name suggests and continues to diminish.

Britta said...

From the other side of the world:
All the Best to you and your family. Sending good thoughts and strength from Munich (sorry for my english). I'm reading your blog for a long time now...and now it was on time to leave a comment.♥Britta

Zenitude said...

I really hope for the best for Lila. You are lucky to live close to Sick Kids Hospital. We had been so impressed when our son was admitted there. As parents, we want the best for our children and always worry (even when they are older like mine). A great lesson to teach them is that life is not perfect and that they are strong and capable of facing whatever is thrown their way. Xoxoxo

katie said...

Wishing you, Guy and Lila all the best and hope that everything will be okay.

Renee said...

My heart goes out to you. I know how it feels for people to tell you it's going to be okay, but it doesn't help the ache in your heart. My daughter is very close in age to yours and spent time in NICU. So I can empathize with your feelings. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and hope your beautiful daughter has no more problems!

Angela said...

Hi, don't usually comment, but didn't want to leave your sharing of personal stuff hanging in the air. Sorry to hear about Lila's lesion. I have three young kids and our youngest had multiple troubles starting at the 20 week scan, all seemed so very bad at the time, she has grown out of them and I am so relieved after feeling stressed and down for three years. I often thought I was the 'only one' but talking to parents I have learnt that most parents have something to worry about concerning their children's health, it's more common than I ever thought. I hope Lila is fine, it's a very good sign she's meeting developmental milestones. Finally, happy anniversary!

Violingirl76 said...

Your daughter is beautiful and I am praying that all will be well with her! I have a 6 month old myself and can only imagine how I would be feeling. You are doing a great job! Keep her smiling!

Bri said...

I know this is hard to do but it's really important just to stay calm and not worry. My dad has lymphatic cancer for 6 years now and he has not needed any surgery or chemo to kill it off. His dr. said that his body was fighting it off so it makes sense not to treat it with chemo, but it was ultimately his decision. I'm so lucky that He doesn't have to go through chemo. Im telling you this just to show you that just because there is a health scare doesn't mean that the worst will happen. Good luck!

herfunmajesty said...

Usually I just look at your posts and adore projects and photos in silence, but I need to say something today ;).
I am sorry to hear about your child, I know what you must feel. I've had almost same situation with my son (a few months older than your daughter). MRI turned out ok, but even if I knew, that my kid is developing fine, I was worried so much, when I was waiting for the results.
I noticed that my kids are absorbing like little sponges every emotion from mother, so probably most important for her, is cheerful and stress-free mother, to give her all the love not the worries.
I wish You three all the best.

Monika said...

Sorry to hear that. I will keep you baby girl in my thoughts and prayers.

Donna said...

Warm greetings and loving prayers for darling Lila, you, and Guy. Please try to take one day at a time, try not to dwell on "what if's," and know that our worst worries most often turn out all right after all. Your baby girl is a beauty and I so enjoy seeing her bundled in your knitted love. Hugs from Arizona!

Teresa Gregorio said...

I'm sorry to hear about Lila. My thoughts are with you at this stressful time.

lo de lille said...

Behind this loving kiss, the Eiffel tower is having a tenderised eye on the beloved ones !!!
Lo de Lille from France

jennifer said...

Oh, Julie! I've been completely out of touch with blogland lately, and I've been slowly trying to catch up. I'm sorry to hear about your tough time! It's great that the doctors think "Wait & See" is the best option, but I also know how torturous the waiting game can be! I'll definitely be thinking of you, and checking in more often on your lovely blog!

Love,
Jennifer (hibou)

Kate Cole said...

Wow that is a lot on your plate. I hope that all goes well and resolves itself.